Christmas gifts for the Canadian hockey fan in your life

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Image: Christmas presents / Shutterstock

With Christmas almost upon us, some of you might be scrambling to find the perfect gift for the Canadian hockey fan on your shopping list. Fear not, fellow last minute shoppers, for we here at Vancity Buzz Sports have found a perfect solution for you: NHL slow cookers.

Yes, that’s right, finally a way to tell the person in your life “I respect your decision to watch hockey all the time, but I want to get some food out of this arrangement or so help me God.”

And don’t worry, this isn’t just a simple slapping of a logo onto a slow cooker and calling it a day! Apparently each slow cooker has been tailor made for each city it represents, allowing you to craft a meal that really represents the team you cheer for.

So what are you waiting for? Check out the slow cookers below and choose the right one for you!

Toronto Maple Leafs

  • Really good for the chef who isn’t that great at cooking, but people have been friends with so long they will support them anyways.
  • New edition is supposedly made to be used by multiple cooks in one kitchen, but the jury is out on that one.
  • Lots of media coverage of this model, despite low rated cross-country user reviews.
  • Don Cherry’s favourite slow cooker, but be warned, his recommended recipes for this machine are hard to find due to mispronunciation. “Beef Burganon” is not a real recipe. “Beef Bergeron” is a real recipe, but that only works with the Boston model.
  • After intense media coverage over failure of last years model, it is no longer recommended to cook hot dogs in this machine.
  • Do not set the cook to warm time ratio on this machine from 4 to 1. People have complained that sometimes after doing so, the machine ends up on a 4 to 5 ratio out of nowhere. One user reported they had gotten all ready for dinner, their guests had started celebrating the arrival of the second course, only to find out everything was ruined.

 

Vancouver Canucks

  • Useful when trying to get the most out of leftovers that might be past their expiry date, though be warned, the results are very mixed. Try tossing in raw vegetables to stretch out the life span of old food, but only keep vegetables in for a few minutes at a time.
  • There is some confusion in the instructions of whether or not this is intended to be a slow cooker or a much quicker cooking machine.
  • Supposedly this machine works better when using local meat, but people are divided on this.
  • Comes in two models, the Henrik or the Daniel. Nobody is quite sure what the difference is but apparently the lid is slightly longer on the Henrik one.
  • Once had a highly successful 2011 model but Mark Recchi’s condemnation of it sent its stock plunging. He claimed it was “the worst slow cooker I’ve ever used.” As everyone knows, once you lose Chef Recchi’s seal of approval, you are doomed in the culinary world.
  • Recipe book that comes with unit is full of meat and potato recipes. Experts suggest this is not a healthy way to eat all the time, however.
  • People have complained that the old heating element in the slow cooker needs to be replaced, but the owners insist it can still make the cooking playoffs. Wait what-

 

Calgary Flames

  • Good for when you want to try cooking tough meat. Some cooking data experts will assure you your meal is destined to fail, but you can still get decent results.
  • Comes with a free bag of “truculence” seasoning. Nobody is quite sure what this tastes like, but many people report it tastes kind of like burning.
  • “Johnny Crockpot” is one of the most popular versions of this machine, but be warned it is a smaller model than most.
  • Meals take a long time to warm up, but when they do, they get quite hot.
  • 18-year-old meats are preferred, as per CBC’s cooking guidelines.
  • Meal recipes that come with the unit submitted by Sean Monahan reportedly very bland and need a lot of seasoning.

 

Edmonton Oilers

  • Can sometimes take a very long time to cook your meal, and even then, it often ends up under-cooked.
  • You might find yourself starting several meals over from scratch as sometimes the result ends up a total failure. Has trouble finding the right cooking temperature and length.
  • Has trouble turning higher end meats into great meals. Often times over cooks them, leaving them far removed from the meal you had envisioned at the start. It’s suggested you take your time with meals and don’t rush things.
  • This machine comes with a book of famous recipes from the 80’s, and has a noticeable lack of newer, more modern recipes. It is suggested you don’t use the older recipes, especially the Mac and T Cheese. These old meals are quite dated now, and often times don’t taste as good as you remember them.
  • Owners of this crock pot claim that no matter how bad their meal is, they always end up with the best cuts of fresh meat at the butcher shop in the summer. Many people view this as foolish cooking voodoo nonsense.
  • Several reports of meals tasting really good upon first consumption but once the meal gets to your back-end, it becomes a real mess.

 

Ottawa Senators

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Image not available because Crock Pot does not care about Ottawa

  • I had a joke lined up about no one really caring about what kind of food you make in a Senators slow cooker, but Crock Pot beat me to the punch by not even making a slow cooker for Senators fans. So. You know. Now this joke turned into a sobering reality.
  • If there WAS a slow cooker for Ottawa, it was probably endorsed by Matthew Perry for a while until he started endorsing one based out of LA because it produced better results.
  • There would have been reports of slow Cooke meals breaking the machine.
  • There would have been reports of people not being satisfied with the Daniel Alfredo Pasta this machine is known for. People would have booed this meal in its own home.
  • It most likely once had a Russian model, but production of it got too expensive so it was sent to New York.
  • It would no longer make pizza.

 

Montreal Canadiens

  • Hard to clean out the taste of previous meals from cooker. People often complain about having to taste meals that happened years ago and are no longer relevant to the dinner at hand.
  • People will insist you use at least some french ingredients in every meal you make, but not everyone holds this belief.
  • Not recommended to make a giant batch of poutine in. Several house fires are attributed to attempting this.
  • Comes with a coupon for Cirque De Soleil tickets.
  • Machine is really good at making one certain type of meal, but if you’re missing the main ingredient for it, apparently everything falls apart.
  • People might argue with you over the pronunciation of meals that come with this machine’s cook book.
  • Some pre-cooking preparations can take what seems like hours to complete.

 

Winnipeg Jets

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  • Most meals will be a success as people are usually just happy to get any sort of meal from this cooker.
  • New machine logo is garbage compared to the vintage model, but they no longer make old machine.
  • Only machine endorsed by Dale Hawerchuk.
  • Everyone knows at least one friend who loves the company that makes this machine, despite no longer living in town where machine was made.
  • It is recommended you do not wear track suits when cooking in this model as it has been known to ruin them.
  • It has only been known to occasionally produce good one course meals, very rarely has it ever succeeded in a solid two course meal, and never a three or four course meal.

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Wyatt Arndt Wyatt Arndt is a freelance writer who currently writes for The Province, Canucks Army, Canucks.com and Vancity Buzz. He's probably written in bathroom stalls near you as well. You can find him on Twitter where he is most likely making fun of Eddie Lack's goalie mask.
@TheStanchion

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