Vancouver Canucks: Hunger Games

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Ever wonder what would happen if the Canucks competed in the Hunger Games? I know I have, and if you’re being honest with yourself, so have you. So I decided to use a Hunger Games simulator to finally answer the question that has been bugging us for the last several years: Who is the ultimate Canucks survivor?

First, before we begin. This is a super serious simulation, so those of you saying “What is this garbage??”, well, the joke will be on you when one day the Canucks are fighting for the rights of Vancouver fans everywhere.

Secondly, some frequently asked questions:

The Districts do not match up to the books. Mostly because I didn’t think of that while setting up the teams. Let’s just assume Linden and Benning fell on hard times due to the cost of living in Vancouver, and their ill timed investment into pager technology in the year 2020. “IT’S LIKE TEXT MESSAGING CLIPPED TO YOUR BELT!”

This is also because I forgot about Ryan Miller when doing the brackets, but let’s be honest, this is totally something Eddie Lack would do because he’s far too nice. High five to Zachary for the save.

Some people just didn’t make the cut. That is the harsh reality of the year 2020. Some people get to be the hero, some have to stay home in their district and make bread and pie.

OK, everyone ready? Good, let’s do this.

The Cast

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Some notes:

  • Alex Burrows and Tyler Toffoli’s feud will have escalated to dangerous levels by 2020. Burrows will have bitten off three of Toffoli’s fingers, and Toffoli has repeatedly peed in Burrows’ herb garden in retaliation. At one point Burrows creates a blog called “Tasting Toffoli” which is simply nothing but recipes on how to cook human fingers.  The NHL has mandated the two work out their problems by entering the Hunger Games together.
  • Eddie Lack’s partnership with Sentient Taco is tenuous to say the least. Can Lack survive teaming up with a partner he wants to smother in sour cream? They start the contest with the highest betting odds.
  • Nobody quite understands the “Happy Vrbata” “Angry Vrbata” dynamic, but despite that, nobody is betting against Angry Vrbata. They start the contest with the lowest betting odds.
  • Willie D was never going to start the contest off without a Tiger by his side.

Cornucopia Bloodbath

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  • Quick note, at the start of the Hunger Games each team starts around the Cornucopia, which is a structure that contains food and weapons. Teams can decide to race in for items strewn about, or run away and hide. Think of it like the start of a dodgeball game, except people can die. Hunger Games is no joke.
  • Interesting to note that Coach Willie is the first to resort to violence. Still, if anyone has to have their nose broken, it might as well be Toffoli.

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  • So far there are a lot of runners here. Benning, with his scouting background, knew food was going to be vital, so he grabbed as much as he could early.

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  • Linden Vey, following the tutelage of Coach D, also resorts to nose breaking. Poor Daniel never saw it coming…
  • Sadly, Happy Vrbata did not have the survival instincts that Angry Vrbata possesses. He was the first to die, but at least he went out with a smile on his face.

“Great job guys – ”

*click*

“Ah, great job landmine!”

*boom*

  • Angry Vrbata, of course, grabs a shield. He has a particular set of skills, you see.

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  • Apparently Bieksa and Trevor are turning this into a fishing trip. Casual Kevin can’t even take Hunger Games seriously.
  • Sbisa makes a wild pinch, but it doesn’t burn his team. Are times a changing in 2020??

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  • Somehow Eddie Lack scared Kassian. I don’t know how it’s possible for Eddie to scare anyone. Maybe he screamed at Zack in Swedish and it just really freaked him out.

Day One

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  • Angry Vrbata hunting other people is not shocking. Linden Vey, perhaps with finally getting a taste for human blood, is a bit of a surprise.
  • Nobody ever expects the quiet ones… Eddie Lack takes out four other tributes in a shocking display of violence. If we’re being honest, though, Eddie has probably been waiting years to murder Edler for all the own goals he’s put in past Eddie.

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  • Alex Burrows takes out Sentient Taco, which might not be a good idea considering how violent Eddie has become. I can only imagine the rage that will course through his body once he finds out his taco was murdered.
  • Sbisa kills off Coach Willie, Hank, and Yannick after an ill advised turnover.

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  • Poor Daniel is unaware his brother had been murdered by Sbisa. Bonino is having a nice day collecting fruit.

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  • Day One ends with nine causalities. District 10, amazingly, is still alive.

Night One

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  • Linden Vey is a god damn killer! Perhaps tired of hearing about his inability to win battles, he has now murdered and hurt several other tributes! He is a mad man!
  • Daniel, upon hearing brother Henrik had died, has himself a good cry.
  • Apparently Bo Horvat snaps, and asks Dan Hamhuis to end it. Hamhuis, a person well versed in being super sad, talks him out of it.

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  • Poor Tanev. All he wanted were some fresh berries. Angry Vrbata, angered by the loss of Happy Vrbata, has teamed up with Zack Kassian.
  • Eddie Lack hums an Abba song to himself while eating the remains of Sentient Taco. This has been a good night for Eddie.

Day Two

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  • Eddie Lack, once thought to be the front runner of the race after his Day One violence, ends his run when he tries to play the puck out of his net, and steps on a landmine.
  • Higgins apparently just wants a nice shack.

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  • Day Two is apparently all about discovery, as people are more focused on exploring and building, rather than murdering.
  • Benning becomes the next victim, as he steps on a landmine while attempting to play a puck out of his net.

Night Two

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  • Oh god damn it Luca, what are you thinking?? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??
  • Vey and Horvat swap stories about each other. “I play for the Canucks.” “What? I play for the Canucks too!!”
  • Trevor, while showing Higgins the bicycle he made out of saplings, gets stabbed when Linden forgets to compliment Chris on his abs.
  • Bonino continues his strong tradition of disappearing for long stretches of a time.

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  • In a touching moment, Daniel and Dan huddle for warmth, as they swap stories about Henrik.

Day Three

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  • Kassian, jealous of Higgins shack, constructs one of his own. It is made up of his own poop and several branches he’s found.
  • The two Dan’s continue to help each other through the contest. Henrik would be so proud of them.

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  • Horvat knows better than to get involved in the beef that has arisen between Sbisa and Angry Vrbata.

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  • Not surprisingly, management was one of the first Districts taken out. Eddie Lack and Sentient Taco also did not last long. There was no way that partnership was going to work, we all knew that.
  • Sbisa continues to kill his team mates. Again, not shocking.

Night Three

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  • Angry Vrbata cuddles for warmth? Or gets close to a person so he can stab them?
  • As with most nights, Bonino cries himself to sleep.

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  • Apparently Sbisa is haunted by images of his turnovers, while Burrows is having a great time. Higgins continues to show that his manly beard was a good indicator of his survival skills. Plus, how can you stab through his steel like abs? You can’t.

Day Four

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  • Everyone wrote Vey off to start these Hunger Games, but you know what, the dude is killing it out there.
  • Higgins, again, makes yet another shack. The man was just made for outdoor living.
  • Daniel is given an explosive, but will he resort to violence? Will a Sedin finally give in to their angry urges?

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  • Apparently everyone in this contest just wants to take care of Dan Hamhuis. How could you not? Look at those puppy dog eyes of his!
  • Angry Vrbata is hurt, this is not good. He is the favorite to win this thing!
  • Poor Bo. It says he died from an infection, but we know he died from a broken heart when Kenins was taken out.

Either that, or Angry Vrbata injected him with poison when they huddled for warmth…

Night Four

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  • Vey, Sedin and Kassian, drunk off of the home brewed wine Kassian made from random berries, have themselves a nice night of singing.
  • Angry Vrbata is woken by nightmares, which probably happens a lot to him.
  • Sbisa refuses to help out yet another team mate.

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  • Higgins gets food from an unknown sponsor? Come on, it’s obviously Home Depot. Guy is making shacks left and right, Home Depot is going to sponsor the shit out of that!
  • Bonino continues to just survive in the background.
  • Dan Hamhuis apparently loses sight of where he is, but we don’t know if that means spiritually or physically.

The Feast

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  • There was no other way for this to end for Kassian, was there?

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  • Angry Vrbata is always so focused…

Day Five

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  • Once again Vrbata and Sbisa are overheard having an angry discussion. Eventually this ends in Sbisa’ death, right? Vrbata has not forgotten the destroyed stash…

Night Five

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  • Angry Vrbata requires neither sleep, nor warmth. Anger shall fuel him.
  • Higgins goes to sleep, dreaming of the next shack he is going to build.

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  • Night five ends without incident.

Day Six

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  • Why would you try and ambush Angry Vrbata? Why? Bonino, Daniel Sedin, and Alex Burrows died a fools death.
  • Higgins runs away from Sbisa, most likely so he could build another shack.

Night Six

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  • Higgins, while trying to find a spot to build a new shack, falls into a pit and dies.
  • Angry Vrbata screams for help, or tries to lure somebody into a trap?

Day Seven

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  • Linden Vey will never know how close he came to dying. Still, once again it speaks volumes about the kind of game Vey is playing. He came to win!
  • Sbisa dies after napping in the ocean.
  • Dan Hamhuis decided now was a good time to climb a tree for some reason.

Night Seven

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  • After a remarkable run, Linden Vey falls into a pit and dies, after falling into Higgins Hole as it has now been called. It is better to face certain death in Higgins Hole then to face an Angry Vrbata you failed to kill.

You come at the King, you best not miss.

Winner

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  • To the people that know me, I swear on all things holy I did not set this up to end this way, nor did I run it countless times to get this result. Angry Vrbata is simply unstoppable, and even computer simulations know this.

Placements

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  • Sentient Taco is better than Kevin Bieksa
  • Happy Vrbata was simply too happy for this event
  • Eddie Lack was tied for most kills with 4. Who knew he had it in him?
  • Linden Vey showed he can bring his A game even in playoff like situations
  • Chris Higgins really loves building shacks.

Thanks for reading, everybody! And remember, Angry Vrbata is always two seconds away from killing you!

Should you want to run your own simulation, you can do so HERE!

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Wyatt Arndt Wyatt Arndt is a freelance writer who currently writes for The Province, Canucks Army, Canucks.com and Vancity Buzz. He's probably written in bathroom stalls near you as well. You can find him on Twitter where he is most likely making fun of Eddie Lack's goalie mask.
@TheStanchion

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