Much has changed since the last rankings! Half the defensive core got injured, Kassian got some goals, and Gatorade Bottle went on a cold streak. Let’s see how the Canucks players rank this week, shall we?
1. Hank “The Battle Tank” Sedin
Henrik Sedin, having been angered by Radim’s spot atop the power rankings last time, promptly kicked Vrbata off of his line, and re-united the Sedins with Alex Burrows. Henrik has quietly been putting up decent points in his last 10 games and currently leads the team with 48 biscuits. What’s more important, however, is Henrik has never looked happier, as his move to an all waffles diet seems to have really paid off.
2. Daniel “Paint by Numbers” Sedin
Due to NHL laws and regulations, Daniel Sedin must at all times remain planted firmly behind Henrik Sedin in everything they do. Whether it’s gardening or piling up points, Daniel Sedin is the Peter Pan shadow to Henrik Sedin. Will Daniel ever run away from Henrik, leading to a calamity of errors as Henrik tries to re-capture said shadow, ending in a grisly death of a pirate captain? One can only hope.
3. Radim “Taken” Vrbata
Although Radim is still reeling from being evicted from his nice Sedin penthouse, he has still managed to to lead the team in scoring with 21 goals. On top of that, he has done it playing with Linden Vey at times, who although talented, is like 1/8th of a Henrik Sedin. Also, Vrbata has been playing with Chris Higgins, who constantly looks like he’s just been told he has to watch 50 Shades of Grey for the fourth time. Somehow Radim Vrbata has turned into the “happy linemate” of the line, which is super weird.
4. Alex “Swede Dreams Are Made of These” Edler
Alex Edler has been the Canucks best defenseman all year, and fully deserves his spot in the top five. What he doesn’t deserve are the hockey gods injuring him and ruining the hopes and dreams of Canucks fans everywhere. Why you gotta be like that, hockey gods? Wasn’t ’82, ’94, and ’11 enough? WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED??
The one good piece of news for Edler fans is now he has time to buy a new scarf.
5. Alex “Burrito Bill” Burrows
Oddly enough, Alex Burrows seems to play well with the Sedins. If only the Canucks could have seen this coming…
In what has become an annual tradition in Vancouver, the team once again played the “Who in god’s name can we replace Alex Burrows with??” game this season, and although Radim is fun to watch with anyone, you can’t really go wrong putting Burrows with the Twins. It’s like going to a concert and the band insisting on playing their new stuff. Come on guy, we came here for one thing: Sweet Caroline. Just play the song, let us sing BAH BAH BAH, and we can go home happy.
6. Chris “You know I’d be a smoker if this was the ’80’s” Tanev
Chris Tanev, the peanut butter to Edler’s jam, was also having himself a very solid season. Then he ran his head into a steel post.
Hopefully Tanev is back soon, as the Canucks can only rely on Alex Biega game winning goals for so long. Until then, we shall look back at Tanev’s season so far, and find ways to poke holes in it so he doesn’t cash in on a huge contract. We love you Chris, but not THAT much.
7. Shawn “Moves like Mick Jagger” Matthias
We’ve officially hit the Maroon 5 reference part of the list, and for that, I apologize. Despite that, Shawn Matthias has been on fire as of late, going to the net hard, and occasionally getting a hat trick. What’s fun to watch about Matthias is that he runs straight at the net, instead of peeling off and circling the outside of the zone for a solid minute, ie “Pulling a Raymond”.
Much like Chris Tanev, he has a contract renewal coming up, so we want him to do good, but not TOO good, so hopefully he hits a post or two and his confidence crumbles until he signs a new three year deal. Then he can start scoring again.
8. Eddie “Taco Flavored Kisses” Lack
Eddie’s record in February is 3-0 and he his play in the last minute of the Minnesota game was one of the most exciting last moments of a game in recent memory. The explosion of “Eddie!” chants once the game ended was a highlight of the season. On top of that, he has the world’s most supportive Mom, so we can’t let her down by burying her son on this list.
— Mia Läck (@mammamialack) February 17, 2015
How could you make her sad? Why would you do that? You monsters.
9. Ronalds “Mcdonalds” Kenins
Despite looking like a 12-year-old boy who has been engineered with one goal in life, to end mankind, Ronalds Kenins has been a huge hit with the fans of Vancouver. Is it odd a fourth liner is so high on the power rankings? Not when he hits anything that moves and shoots any chance he gets.
Look, this is a city that is still reeling from the “Tanner Glass years”, so having a player that actually looks useful on the fourth line is kind of unsettling but exciting. Remember Victor Oreskovich? That dude played in the Stanley Cup Finals in 2011. Yeah.
Also, watching Kenins and Dorsett get into bodychecking contests with the other team is all kinds of awesome. The team got so riled up by Kenins hit parade that even Daniel threw a huge body check in the Minnesota game. Daniel Sedin, embracing the thug life. It brings a tear to the eye.
10. Mr. Bo “Dangles” Horvat
Bo has had an up-and-down season so far. He started off as the Faceoff King of Vancouver, then he struggled for a while on the fourth line. Then sometime around Christmas, Bo Horvat drank his Space Jam juice and began playing better and better as each game wore on (he is tied for fourth in scoring since X-mas). Bo does all the small things Vancouver fans love, like going to the net, and scoring goals so greasy they belong on an East Van food cart.
On top of that, he went right at Chara in the Boston game and stripped him of the puck like he was merely a giant version of Dana Murzyn and didn’t back down an inch. His post game cliche game has also improved dramatically, leaving many to believe he might be the next Canucks captain down the line.
11. Chris “Biggins” Higgins
Although Chris Higgins hasn’t had a definitive game like Horvat or Matthias have had recently, he has quietly put up 10 points since Christmas. Does it sometimes look like Chris Higgins is intentionally aiming at the goalies chest when he shoots? Yes, yes it does, but that’s kind of how Higgins rolls. One day he’s shooting muffins, the next he’s on a five game scoring streak. He’s hot and he’s cold, he’s yes then he’s no OH DEAR GOD WE HIT KATY PERRY REFERENCES.
12. Jannik “Buttered Danish” Hansen
Hansen isn’t playing above his head like the last time he was on this list, but he has been playing solid hockey for the most part. He continues to use his speed to generate breakaways, and he continues to provide amazing back stage interviews with his Muppet-like voice.
13. Derek “Fight Club” Dorsett
Dorsett continues to play his role as fourth line agitator to perfection. He finishes his checks, he gets the odd goal here or there, and he will fight anybody, at anytime, for any reason. Seriously. If you look at him funny, he will fight you. If you sneeze too loud, he will fight you. If you fight him, he will fight you after the fight, for daring to fight him. Derek has never met a fight he hasn’t wanted to punch in the face.
14. Linden “Stop Making Puns With My Name” Vey
It’s hard to tell what the Canucks have with Linden Vey. Is he a rookie that will continue to get better, eventually settling into a top six role in his career? Or will his size be too big of a detriment, and he will always be that bubble player Kyle Wellwood intrigued us with? Vey has gone long stretches with being completely invisible in games, but has been playing better as of late. Apparently passing to Radim Vrbata makes your job easier?
15. Dan “DIY” Hamhuis
Seriously, he could probably fix every broken drawer in your house.
Dan’s return from injury was a welcome relief, especially with every other top four d-man on the Canucks team fading quicker than my golf shot. I said, fading quicker than….ah forget it.
His return, although welcome, hasn’t been without its bumps and bruises. He hasn’t been the reliable Dad Hamhuis we all know and love, which is to be expected. He was out for a long stretch of time, so there’s bound to be rust.
Luckily he’s now the team’s number one defenseman by default, so he could take a solid poop on the ice, and it wouldn’t effect his power rankings all that much.
16. Yannick “Fake 6” Weber
Weber continues to let me live out my dream of one day buying a “6” Weber jersey and playing a really fun game of pretend. On top of that, he has been one of the better “Holy lord, THAT guy is playing in our top four now?” guys on the team recently. He doesn’t make the glaring mistakes that somebody like, say, Sbisa or Stanton, have been making. He sees the importance of not trying to clear the puck through the slot.
17. Zack “Swamp of Sorrows” Kassian
Zack has both managed to have the most “I’m dead inside” goal celebration, and angriest goal celebration of the year in the last couple of weeks.
— Steph (@myregularface) February 8, 2015
— Dee ☕ (@forevercanuck) February 12, 2015
The good news is Zack has stayed in the lineup, and managed to have some good offensive production recently.
The bad news is he still makes mistakes that put Willie D’s moustache on edge, and with Kenins being the golden child recently, Kassian might find himself sitting once again.
18. Ryan “Look into my eyes” Miller
Ryan hasn’t had a great month of February, as his play continues to be inconsistent. It doesn’t help that the Canucks d-corps looks like an AHL All-Star team at times, but his play recently hasn’t been as sharp as it has been at other times in the season. Hopefully with more rest, a concern he had earlier in the season, his play will round back into form.
With that being said, let’s all sit back and enjoy the awkwardness of a city chanting the backup’s name every time he stops the puck behind the net. Ryan Miller is like Vancouver’s cold step mom. We don’t really know her, and we kind of suspect she’s just here for the money. She doesn’t love us dad! Can’t you see that??
19. Nick “Throw Dem Bones” Bonino
Although he’s been injured, and largely ineffective as of late, he still has 25 points on the season. Most of that is due to his hot start, but luckily this list celebrates hot starts, so he gets to remain above the Gatorade Line.
I wish there was more to talk about Bonino, but there really isn’t much to say.
Remember that time he got that spin-o-rama goal? That was cool.
20. Alex “Wake Me Up Before you” Biega
This list doesn’t take sample sizes into account, so based on the one game Biega played, I assume he is going to become a perennial 82 goal scorer. His name also sounds pretty close to Bieksa, so watching Don Cherry trying pronounce it might be the highlight of the season. Odds are Don Cherry calls him “Alex Bagel” at one point.
21. Adam “The” Clendening
Adam was the Alex Biega before there was an Alex Biega. Except Adam didn’t get a goal in his first game with the Canucks. For shame Adam, for shame.
Regardless, Adam looks to have great passing vision, as he can actually make a tape to tape pass that doesn’t involve him closing his eyes and screaming as he fires it wildly off the glass.
22. Gatorade Bottle
Look, I won’t lie. He’s struggled recently. He’s had trouble spraying into people’s mouths, and he’s probably the reason half the team got the flu at one point. Still, he shows up every game, and he’s been super supportive of both Miller and Lack, refusing to get involved in the goalie drama. That is one damn fine bottle if you ask me.
23. Luca “Chicken Wings and” Sbisa
Sbisa has been playing better as of late, but he still continues to be that guy that everyone wonders if the team will play until the end of time to prove that the Kesler trade was a good one. He has cut down on the horrifying moments where you scream his name out at the TV, but he’s also cut out the murderous hits. Still, he will need to show a lot more if he wants people to support his movement ahead of Gatorade Bottle.
24. Brad “The Curmudgeonly” Richardson
Although you would think having the best hair on the team would keep him ahead of the Gatorade Line, his injury has hurt him (DOUBLE ENTENDRE BONUS POINTS).
25. Frankie “Wax On Wax Off” Corrado
Much like Brad, Frankie’s spot on the list was mostly due to injuries. I wish there was a more exciting reason, like maybe he lit his stick on fire and attempted to fillet Fin, but alas, this is pretty cut and dry.
26. Ryan “Scrambles McGee” Stanton
Ryan leads the team in times I’ve screamed “WTF ARE YOU DOING” at my TV. This is not a good category to be leading.
I’m getting riled up just thinking about him.
27. Benedict “Muffin Poops” Cumberbatch
The Imitation Game was really really good. Plus he does the best Sherlock Holmes around. That Elementary show on TV right now? You’re trash. Get that garbage out of here. You sicken me.
28. Kevin “Blocked” Bieksa
Considering Kevin’s most defensive moment this year has been him blocking half of BC on Twitter, and the fact he’s been injured so long, he once again finds himself at the bottom of the list. I fear anybody reading this will also soon be blocked by Bieksa on twitter, but that is sometimes the price you have to pay for reading such amazing material such as this.