Some like book clubs, others enjoy BDSM sex parties

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Photo courtesy of dirtytalk.com

With Fifty Shades of Grey opening worldwide, and with so many horny soccer moms out there who gobbled up the books, I thought I would indulge and look into the BDSM lifestyle.

My only real exposure to the lifestyle was through movies and television shows. When someone mentions the term S&M or BDSM my first visual reference is that scene in Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction. Most of you know what I’m talking about when I say, “Bring out the gimp.”

According to our good friend Wikipedia:

BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, roleplaying, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics.

It goes on to say that there are many sub groups and practices that can fall under the umbrella of BDSM but each of those subcultures are actually very different from one another. Generally speaking people take on roles of dominance or submission and sessions of sexual power plays are performed under complete consent.

flogger on backImage: forbiddenfruit.com

This kinky dungeon love is alive and well in this city so I decided to reach out to Swinging Mamma, obviously that is not her real name, who operates Den of Pleasure in Vancouver. It’s essentially a Swinger Club with a BDSM twist. It’s a place to work out your inner kink and make new friends at the same time. Kind of like Tupperware parties.

According to the Den of Pleasure, it’s a comfortable and discreet house party setting, where they offer discerning couples and singles of all sexual preferences a safe, welcoming sex positive environment to explore your deepest fantasies.

I know there are some of you thinking, “Where do I sign up?” Maybe some of you devout religious types are thinking this is the end of civilization. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

Whatever the case, sex is part of the beauty of being human. Our consensual, legal sexual practices and interests shouldn’t be treated like a faux pas.

Some like a little spice in their sex, others keep it simple, and some of us are married with children and are wondering, “What is this sex you speak of?” It’s all different, but make no bones about it, we are sexual creatures.

Swinging Mamma was the best person to speak with because she is not only the owner of this saucy BDSM club, but a soccer mom who also lives the lifestyle. For this British blonde with leather pants, It’s a choice that seems to be highly misunderstood in what she calls the “vanilla community.”

Photo courtesy of bdsmcafe.com

Image: bdsmcafe.com

What made you start up a business like Den of Pleasure?

I got started in the lifestyle back in England but when I moved to Vancouver there wasn’t really anything in the city unless I wanted to travel way out to the suburbs. Also, nobody else was blending the two worlds of BDSM and the swinger lifestyle; people thought the two worlds couldn’t intermix. So we wanted to try and marry the two.

We would go to some parties that were purely kink and everyone would get all hot and horny and the place would clear out at 11:00pm because people were going home to have sex. Well for us, we wanted to do everything in one place and that is how the Den of Pleasure was born.

Did you always know you were into this type of kink?

I’ve always been kinky I guess. I use to tie up my boyfriends when I was a teenager. I would use scarves and tie them to the bed post and drive them crazy. They loved it.

You just saw the film Fifty Shades of Grey, what were your thoughts?

The movie was better than I thought it was going to be. I read the books and they were just rubbish. The books were so badly written and repetitive. The sex scenes were the same over and over again that I got bored reading it.

My biggest issue with Fifty Shades of Grey is what the stories say about the BDSM community in that apparently you need to have psychological issues in order to be masochist or to be involved in this lifestyle which couldn’t be further from the truth.There are all kinds of people that take part in this type of kink and come from different backgrounds.

Everything in the BDSM world is based on trust, communication and consent and that didn’t really translate well in the book or movie and that’s too bad because that is really what it’s all about.

Fifty-Shades-of-Grey-fifty-shades-of-grey-37362812-1577-1065

I can see why a lot of vanilla women love the series because it’s pure erotica fantasy. I compare it to the same reason why successful and powerful women like to be submissive in the kink world because it frees them from any sense of responsibility. It’s escapism.

I think women love to read about a knight in shining armour who swoops in and saves them, it takes them away from all the real world responsibilities and stresses around them.

What are some of the misconceptions of the BDSM lifestyle?

How much time do you have? Some of the misconceptions is that it’s all about pain, hurting people, whips and chains and the submissive is at the mercy of the dominant.

In reality it’s the submissive that is in control and there are safe words that are negotiated beforehand including what they are willing and not willing to do. All boundaries are prearranged and respected. The top or dominant is actually serving the submissive by doing things that give the sub pleasure.

A genuine submissive is driven by pleasing and they get sexual excitement out of pleasing their partner too. It’s the same for a dominant who gets satisfaction out of seeing their submissive being pleased. This is not about hurting anyone.

There is a huge spectrum in the BDSM community, people are into different things. There are people who are masochist who will only play with sadist, there are people who just like to watch and not play, there are people who don’t like pain and only sensation.

Most of what we do at the Den is light BDSM, so it’s more like bondage or light sensation play. It’s not about pain. Sensation play can include things like ice cubes, feathers or spanking to name a few.

dominatrix

Image: ibtimes.co.uk

Do you think BDSM gets a bad rap?

I find it funny that people say they are not into it but the majority of people do bring some light BDSM into their bedroom with a little spanking during sex, maybe they tie their partner up or clasp their hands above their head during sex; that’s all BDSM. Some people don’t want to associate their sex to that kind of kink because they have this misconception in their head that it’s abusive.

What do you say to people who are curious about the fetish?

If someone was interested in the lifestyle I always tell them to start off slow. There is nothing wrong with wanting that kind of pleasure. I tell people when they first come to my club to come in with an open mind. You don’t necessarily have to participate until you are comfortable. Nobody is going to force you to do anything you that you don’t like. Find out what turns you on, are you a dominant? Are you a submissive? Do you switch between the two?

Do you recommend Den of Pleasure for a date night?

For people who are into it or are curious, our club is a very non threatening environment. We get people who are just voyeurs and that’s what their kink is or we have people who are exhibitionists who get right in there.

People come into a very consensual environment that is safe. Our parties are by invitation only so you are not going to get some guy just walking off the street. People can apply to be invited on our website but we do prescreen our participants. There are always people watching out to see what is going on. We have a dungeon master who makes sure that play is being done safely. We also do demos to show people how to do things safe and properly. Trust me it’s a fun and satisfying night out.

Is there anything else you want to add?

One thing that didn’t get mentioned in the books or movie is after care. It’s very important. When you get taken to another place mentally, which is what can happen with suspension, spanking or flogging, you’re purposely trying to get into a different head space called sub space and that’s like being high on drugs.

The entire process is a big release for a lot of people and that’s why many of us do it. We love the high. So when you have that, a little while after, the endorphin rush is gone and you get what is called a sub drop and you crash and sometimes one can get a tad depressed. People react differently and it’s important to be in a positive place. We make sure we provide adequate care and rooms for people who are coming down from their high. It’s all part of the experience.


 

Sex is a form of expression. Some like the missionary position but tied up on a cross with clamps. That’s their prerogative. So before you go grab the mini van and drive to your nearest hardware store to buy rope, zap straps and tape, know that there is a place where you can get it on with your bad self. Go live out your fantasies, knock it off your bucket list but as our friends at IFHT say, “Let’s make this consensual.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbx63KSPDNs

 

Major thanks to Swinging Mamma of Den of Pleasure. They are throwing another party on March 7 with Liam Helmer who was the BDSM consultant on Fifty Shades of Grey.

Liam has a company called Vertigo and they will be putting on a ropes demonstration. The party will be sold out so if you are interested in experimenting with BDSM in a safe and fun manner make sure to contact Den of Pleasure immediately while there are still spaces remaining.

Feature image: Dirty Talk 101

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Trevor Dueck Lover of film. I rate them with cute little raindrops. I'm also always on the lookout for interesting stories and experiences. Lover of talk radio and podcasting and occasionally host them. I do like writing about many other devious things. Favourite films of 2015 so far are "Ex Machina" and "Mad Max: Fury Road."
@TrevDueck

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