Seven generic reasons why the Canucks will win the Cup in 2014

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Since the first round loss to the Sharks much of the Canucks’ talk around the Lower Mainland has been negative and has focused on what is wrong with the Canucks. Well today I change that by looking at seven generic reasons why the Canucks will win the Stanley Cup in 2013-2014. Provided with each reason is running commentary about said generic reason.

Disclaimer: This blog post was not designed to piss off fortune tellers, people who pray to god about the Canucks, Ryan Kesler, Nick Kypreos and Pierre McGuire.

Generic Reason #1: Because some fortune teller will predict the Canucks to win the cup.

  • This is a generic reason that tends to come up each year. Every season the media seems to find a fortune teller who believes it is in the stars that the Canucks will win the cup. We always hear about how the stars are aligning and something powerful is in the air. Sadly for fans of the Canucks and fortune tellers around the Lower Mainland, every season Vancouver finds a way to make the fortune teller a liar.

Generic Reason #2: Because there is something distinguishable about next season which guarantees the Canucks a cup.

  • Sports fans tend to grasp on straws and that is exactly what many Canucks fans, such as yours truly, do every year when predicting the Canucks will win the cup. Looking back here is some of the silliest straws many Canucks fans, such as I, have grasped on. In 2005-06, the Canucks were supposed to win the cup because it was the 12-year-rule as the Canucks had made the Stanley Cup finals every 12 years (82 and 94) since their birth. In 2006-07 it was the 12 full season rule (94-95 was not a full season as there was a lockout that wiped out almost half the season). In 2010-11 the Canucks were supposed to win the cup because the past two Canadian cities to host the Olympics, Montreal and Calgary, had seen their NHL teams win Lord Stanley’s Mug the season after hosting the event. I predict that the Canucks will win the Cup next year because the playoffs begin in 04/14 and Vancouver will be in its 44th year of existence. The fact there are that many fours associated with next season must be a sign.

Generic Reason #3: Because various places of worship are praying for the Canucks to win the cup.

  • As someone who grew up in the Bible belt city of Abbotsford and still spends the summers there, I always hear stories of various churches praying for the Canucks to win the cup. In recent years, local Sikh temples throughout the lower mainland have also decided to pray for the Canucks. As a diehard fan, I hope that god watches the game on a PVR and accidently fast forwards through Ryan Kesler’s diving.

Generic Reason #4: Because the ‘law of averages’ says so.

  • The misconstrued version of the law of averages states that if something has not happened yet then it is very likely to occur. For example, since the Canucks have not won a cup in the past 43 years they will sooner, rather than later, simply because it has not happened yet. This is a line that my dad utilizes every year and I will continue to believe even though I found out two years ago in a stats course that it isn’t true. For those of you who care, the true law of averages is based on the law of large numbers which states that in the long run, things will occur based on their probability. So for example, there are currently 30 teams in the NHL. Using the law of averages it would be expected that in the long run assuming there are always the same 30 NHL teams, each organization will have won a cup in roughly 3% of the seasons (0.033 is the probability). The key here is that it takes an exponential amount of time for the long run to occur.

Generic Reason #5: Because the Canucks will get (insert player the Canucks will acquire through a summer transaction here).

  • Perhaps the most overused generic reason out of the list. Each year fans will attach to some recently acquired player who they believe will be the saviour that will lead the Canucks to the promise land. Since the lockout, the list of fresh-faced saviours has included Anson Carter, Roberto Luongo, Mats Sundin, Christian Ehrhoff, Dan Hamhuis, Marco Sturm and Jason Garrison. None have worked thus far. Here is hoping that this year’s saviour is Jarome Iginla (please get him, Gillis).

Generic Reason #6: Because some well-known hockey analyst will say so.

  • If we know one thing about hockey analysts it is that they like to make predictions. A lot of the predictions are based on thoughtful reasoning but more often than not the majority simply provide false hope. Perhaps the most notable analyst to pick the Canucks to win the cup this year was Nick Kypreos. Unfortunately, just like Kypreos’ playing career, the prediction was very mediocre and we are into another off-season of futility.

On a side note, if anybody wants to have fun and see someone repeatedly provide fans false hope, search Pierre McGuire and World Juniors on YouTube. McGuire had a tendency to rant and rave about every single player at the U-20 tournament. Unfortunately for him, the majority of the players never turned out to be the “monsters” he predicted.

Generic Reason #7: Because the Canucks will have the key ingredients to win the cup which are (insert hockey concept) and (insert hockey concept).

  • Each year it seems the Canucks have the key ingredients to win the cup. In 2005-06 it was skill and physicality. In 06-07 it was defence and great goaltending. In 07-08 it was also defence and goaltending. In 08-09 it was forward depth and goaltending. In 09-2010 it was puck moving defensemen and goaltending. In 2010-2011 it was great offensive players and defensive depth. In 2011-2012 it was great offensive players and quality goaltending. In 2012-2013 it was back to offensive players and defensive depth. Unfortunately for the Canucks, the ingredients they have utilized never seem to bake them a Stanley Cup.

So, there you have it. Seven generic reasons why the Canucks will win the cup. I hope you enjoyed the article and got a good chuckle.

Written by Arpan Parhar. Connect with Arpan on Twitter @rum0r1 where he rants about all things Canucks.

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Arpan Parhar Criminology student at Simon Fraser University.
@rum0r1

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