A Response to 'Why Men Cheat'

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After reading @TheFelixKay‘s post today on Why Men Cheat, I thought long and reflected on my opinion on the matter.

If we are culturally and scientifically pre-disposed as men to cheat, why oh why are there a large number of men who do not cheat? Are these men the rule or the exception?

Its probably very hard to determine on a quantitative or qualitative platform. Because culture does play into things like these. Religion, ethnicity, are all things that can play internal and external factors in to determining whether or not a man will. And as he mentioned, it is quite common in places around the world for a man to have more than one wife. But we’re not in those places. We’re in Canada, and with that said, I will continue on with my response.

While on the bus a few hours ago I saw a middle aged man that I have frequently talked to in the past. We chewed off a bit about sports, namely the NFL playoffs and the Canucks. I then abruptly and unexpectedly changed the subject. I asked him if he was married – a question which I already knew the answer to since I saw a wedding ring on his ring finger. He responded that he was, and has been for almost 15 years. Then I asked him a couple of other questions, like where they met and what she does for a living. Me and this man or by no means “friends”, but I felt I would give my next question a shot anyways, no matter how inappropriate it is. I asked him if he had ever engaged in an extra-marital affair. He looked curiously at me, almost confused.  The person across from us smirked. He jokingly asked if I was a private detective hired by his wife, to which I tensely replied “no.” I explained to him that I had read something about why men cheat. I told him about the article I read on Vancity Buzz, going into some specifics as well.

Back to the original question, of whether he had every cheated or not, he replied absolutely not. To which I asked him, why? This question, more than any other whether it was about where Luongo would end up or who was gonna win between the 49ers and Falcons [he picked the Niners, FYI], was answered in complete confidence and clarity. He first talked about how he had never wavered in his love for his wife, and that she completed him as a human. He said that although  men may or may not be genetically and scientifically prone to be testosterone filled and attracted to meaningless sex, men – like women, are incomplete beings. By this he meant that, without his wife he would be an incomplete human being. I asked him to elaborate. He went off about a number of things about his wife. Whether it was reminding him to brush his teeth or greeting him with a kiss every night when he got home, she provided a level of completeness in his life that no one else could provide. That empty sex could not provide. He said he loved his wife dearly, and that if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be with her. If he ever had any doubts about it, which he hasn’t, he wouldn’t cheat on her…rather he would end their relationship. I smiled at him, thanked him for answering the rather personal questions and asked if I could publish his thoughts. He agreed  on the condition that I left his name out of it and made it clear that he is in fact a 49ers fans and that they will win the Super Bowl. He preceded to make fun of my Jets.

The statement that “sex is overrated” is largely correct. However, I differ on the interpretation of that statement. Is sex overrated in the sense that men and women should feel free to go out and engage with anyone they see, without consequences? Absolutely not. And I will disagree with that till the end of time. Sex is overrated because we have weighted too much in the value of it. It shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. For the vast majority of human beings, there is someone they will find that they will spend a large portion of their life with. Is this to have sex? No. Rather the true meaning of a relationship between human beings is to find an emotional bond and connection with someone that fills a void in your life, whatever that may be. This is similar to a bond that mothers, fathers, and siblings provide. And each of these people fill a different void in my life, helping to round me out as a human.

For a man to cheat on his spouse, and blame it on human nature is bordering on the most extreme and asinine things on our planet. And it is one of the things that is morally wrong with our society. That we allow ourselves to concoct stupid rationales to stupid actions. And THAT is what is culturally and scientifically rooted in our history. Not the action of having sex, but finding ridiculous reasons to justify our actions. Whether it was claiming that there were WMDs in Iraq before the invasion, which we all know was false, or those who oppose same sex marriages – claiming they’re “protecting the sanctity of marriage”. Its all a bunch of hooey, we make up these irrational ideas and try to confirm them in our minds because of our beliefs. Because humans will find ways to justify their actions, regardless of how low those actions are.

Now I’m not trying to push anti-war rhetoric or same-sex marriage on to you, not that it would be a bad thing. Nor can I explain to the full extent of why men cheat, but it probably has to do with them not being entirely in love with their spouse or might have to do with some psychological problems that haven’t been addressed. It could also have to do with their upbringing, how their parents raised them, etc. But the logic that men cheat because its in our nature, is one I refuse to accept.

And another point,  to even compare humans to animals is bordering on the ridiculous. Were supposed to be a superior race, not tree jumping monkeys.

I know if I was to ever cheat on my spouse – whenever or if I ever attain one – my mother, father, and sister would probably never let me live that down for the rest of my life. This isn’t rooted in religious or cultural beliefs. This is rooted in the moral belief that humans should treat other humans with respect. What kind of person can some who knowingly betrays the trust of someone they claim to love, consider themselves? Its not a question of ancient human nature, but a question of how you want to treat others, and ultimately how you want others to treat you. Something I learned in Kindergarten. If you truly believe its in human’s nature to cheat on their spouse, save someone the trouble and don’t get in a relationship, don’t get married.

Men will cheat. Countries will go to war. People make terrible decisions. These are almost seemingly facts of life. But its how we as humans grow and alter our actions that will truly define us. Not the rationales and logic we apply to those things. We as humans need to stop preparing for war, and start planning for peace. We as humans need to stop creating hate, and start creating love. We need to stop justifying our unethical actions, and start creating an atmosphere of moral consideration. 

One last thing, the time you may have spent watching that ridiculous show, spend with a love one. Show them why you matter to them and them to you.

 

Follow Nick Hosseinzadeh on twitter: @nickhossein

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