Vancouver Fashion Don'ts according to Vice Magazine

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Girl in Yoga Pants

When Vancouver ranked 3rd worst dressed city in the world last year it shocked a bunch of people. The primary culprit was our love affair for yoga pants. Here in the Pacific Northwest we seem to prefer function over fashion and our laid back attitude is evident in our daily wardrobe.

However, many would argue that Vancouver, at least in and around downtown is stylish and people are slowly starting to pay attention to what they wear when they go out to dine or hit the bars. That being said, once you get outside the core it’s like taking a step back in time. By the time you hit south Vancouver you’re back to the days of sweat pants, track suits and $5 Nike T-shirts from Foot Locker. By the time you hit Surrey and the rest of the Fraser Valley we are brought back to the era of sports jerseys, Ed Hardy, Tap Out and glitter infested denim.

Vice Magazine writer and Vancouverite Mish Way identified Vancouver’s main fashion don’ts. Here they, from her article in Vice.

1. BOARD SHORTS

I don’t know who invented board shorts or what they do to help surfers or pirates or whichever water-dwelling sportsman they were designed to aid, all I know is that they are disgusting. A man wearing shorts is bad enough, but when you add colorful, Rayon material with images of cartoon waves or flowers the repulsiveness multiplies. The worst part about board shorts? Most men think it’s appropriate to wear these out to bars and clubs once the sun has gone down. Unless you are completely alone and smoking weed out of a homemade lung in your basement, you should never wear board shorts.

Unless you’re going to the beach or coming back from one, this is unacceptable.

2. FLIP-FLOPS

Flip-flops are only OK to wear in the shower of a gross motel room so that your skin does not touch the disgusting tiles. Otherwise, they are unacceptable. Also, children may wear flip-flops, but even that is a bad idea.

To add my two cents, why do men still think it’s acceptable to wear socks with sandals?

3. CARGO ANYTHING

“Look at my pants! They are multi-functional. They have all these spacious pockets on the outside of my legs so that I can fit my keys, my wallet, my cellphone, you know, everything. Like, I don’t even need my backpack, man. No, cargo pants aren’t just for bros. I got a sick pair of capri cargos for the wife and she loves ‘em.”

Sidenote: To be fair, I own a pair of cargo pants. They are actually gray, stretchy cargo leggings that I got from Top Shop. I thought they were kind of cool. Maybe I was high? I also wore army patterned blue cargo pants in fifth grade but that is a whole other level of brutal that we don’t have time to talk about.

4. MESSENGER BAGS

The biggest problem most Vancouverities have with fashion is that they take functional pieces of clothing and try to trend them up. For example, the messenger bag. A messenger bag is a perfectly acceptable shoulder bag to use if you are delivering a message to someone such as a bike courier might do. It’s also acceptable if you are some kind of teacher with copious amounts of paperwork to carry across campus. However, if you are not in the business of taking documents to and from, there is no reason to wear a messenger bag. Triple offense goes to people who cover their messenger bags in flare and think it’s appropriate to eat pizza during rush hour on public transit while wearing cargo shorts and sandals.

I’d like to add that those little over the chest fanny packs are hideous as well. Guys need to stop rocking those, I don’t care if it’s a fake LV or Gucci, it’s just wrong. Put your smokes, money, keys, phone and whatever else you want to carry in your pocket.

5. COLORED BRAS UNDER WHITE TANK TOPS

Back when I had Kool-Aid-pink hair and was dating a metal dude, I landed a job at a swank lingerie store in a wealthy area of town. I adored my boss and learned a lot from her, but more over, working in lingerie world was hilarious. I spent most of my shifts helping inner-city housewives shove their triple F cup silicone tits into C cup bras. While working in lingerie world, I noticed an offensive amount of Vancouver women think it is “sexy” to sport a colored bra under a white tank top. I’m not talking about a dark navy bandeau under a cute, sheer white blouse like you might see on Rihanna or Celine Dion. I’m talking about a hot pink La Senza push-up under a too-tight ribbed boy tank. So disgusting, girls. While we’re on the subject, you should not wear a white bra under a white shirt either. It glows like teeth under black lights. You should wear a nude bra or nothing at all.

6. WEARING HOCKEY JERSEYS AS NORMAL TOPS

Is someone paying you to wear that because I’m pretty sure professionals get paid millions to wear hideous hockey jerseys. I know you do not play for the Canucks, so what are you doing? Oh, you’re trying to make sure you never have sex with a confident, self-respecting girl ever again. Cool. Got it.

The only thing worse is if you tuck in the jersey.

Oddly enough she left out Yoga pants and glitter denim, both of which I see way too much in Vancouver.

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