The Playoff Survival Guide

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BraceYourself

When playoffs start, everything changes. Men get hairier, bars get busier, and those eye-catching v-neck shirts come out in force. With all the traditions, superstitions, and excitement in Vancouver, it’s easy to forget to an important piece of playoff prep. Here to save the day is a concise guide for both the ladies and gentlemen regarding everything you need to get through the post season unscathed.

Shaving

Men
You know what that means; BEARD TIME. If you can rock a fierce grizzly adams like Ryan Kesler, groom that bad boy and get him out as quickly as possible. Having a Mason Raymond amount of growth is no excuse; Playoffs means solidarity.

Ladies
Feel free to join in – throw away your razors and let your freak flag fly. Nothing says “I breathe hockey” like body hair during the post season.

Drinking

Men
Pack away your gin and tonics, its time to switch to beer. If you can’t buy it by the 24 case, it probably isn’t worth drinking. Kokanee and Pilsner are about to become your new safety blankets.

Ladies
Hate the taste but don’t want to be that girl drinking Sourpuss while all your friends are crushing wobbly pops? Supplement with Go-Juice (beer & Palm Bay) or Rockets (beer and Smirnoff Ice). Just make sure you mix them together when no one is looking.

Buying Groceries

Stock up now, or you will be living off peanut butter and rice noodles in no time. Prep meals before the game starts and stock the beer fridge to the point of excess. There is no such thing as too much liquor – you have no idea how long playoffs will last. Don’t forget to load up on snacks to keep your hands busy and prevent you from smashing your television during games. Classics such as chips and salsa go a long way, but don’t be afraid to get a little freaky and spice it up with some artichoke dip or hummus.

TV Shows 

Men
There isn’t much that tears a guy away from a new episode of “Game of Thrones”, but playoff hockey is about as good of an excuse as you can come by. Set your PVR now and explain to all your friends the consequences should they they spoil an episode for you.

Ladies
Once the puck drops, “Grey’s Anatomy” no longer exists. If you feel the urge to turn the game off and watch something else instead, think about Ryan Kesler naked and reconsider your actions.

Wearing your Jersey

Men
As soon as the post season starts, your team colours should be stitched to your skin. Having a suit and tie job is no excuse for not jerseying up on game days. Worst case scenario: wear it under your shirt and act like nothing is different. Don’t worry about other guys making fun of you for looking ridiculous – they will be doing the exact same thing. Have a boss that is a real hardass and possibly from an inbred backwater town like Chicago or Boston? rock the blue, green and white on your tie to put ’em in their place.

Ladies
The same thing goes, but feel free to kick it up a notch with a slutty Canucks v-neck. Remember, the deeper the cleave, the more you believe.

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Dean Brookstone 

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